The Etsy Items Most Likely To Rule Your Entire Day.
Through no fault of my own, I have come across an entire breeding ground for tiny, stuffed, adorable bunny creatures. Shit.
Let’s jump right into this thing then.
Oh… a pie bunny. Well, that’s not too bad. I like pie and I like bunnies. Maybe this is easier than I thought!
OH MY GOD, what? It’s a poop bunny. And he’s sad about it too. Who desires cuddling (I do!) a fleece bunny rabbit (I do!) with poop on it (Hell no!).
Oh good. I was worried that my children wouldn’t learn the F word early enough in their Being-Kids-Careers. Phew. What a f*cking relief.
Obviously, this stuffed bunny isn’t suitable for children; I don’t think many in spidercamp’s shop are. But still, I don’t see a reason to buy a $12.00 (tiny as hell - 4” x 3”) animal with its only special appeal being that it has dirty writing on it.
I do like that the seller adds in every listing that her items are, “Made in a smoke-free home, from all-vegan materials.” That’s wonderful, but it kind of loses its appreciation when your stuffed animal has the word ‘fuck’ on it.
And in conclusion:
That’s right. That bunny has the word “anus” stitched on him. How enjoyable that we have Anus Bunny to the rescue.
Your child unsure about his first night away? Bring Anus Bunny along! Your son or daughter suffering from loneliness? Anus Bunny will clear that right up! Worried that your child isn’t socially or mentally stunted enough? Anus Bunny is here to help!
I won’t even go to the trouble of posting the “Twat bunny.” I think you get the idea.
Aside from the blatantly strange and uncomfortable words some of these items have stitched in them, I have a few other issues with them.
1. They are small items that could easily be lost or forgotten about very quickly.
2. They are a one-use one-gag type of gift. They don’t serve any specific purpose, which will only fuel the factor that they will be forgotten about or discarded.
3. The prices are far too expensive in comparison to their size (most of the largest items sold are still only about as large as your hand).
4. The prices are far too expensive in comparison to the labor (little hand sewn fleece bunnies with simple features and easy stitching shouldn’t add that much to the material price). Most items range from $12.00 to $20.00.
This is beautiful and awesome in ever way possible. I would buy this in an instant, again… if only I had $155. HAH!
“Palate - Art Doll” by sushipot.
It’s still very amazing and it’s the kind of sculpture I would love to own, but I understand that there is no reason for me to have it. It would be another painful addition to the “Useless Shit I Have In My House” collection, where it would proudly collect dust beside my five pound acorn propping up books.
Boyfriend’s opinion: “This thing you sent me looks like some fucked up Victorian Tom Servo.”
Yes, that was in the Etsy description as well.
I believe those envelopes are coming out of Grizzly Adam’s underwear. That sounds like a personal problem I would get checked out, really. I like that the name of this art is “I’m Sorry Your Inbox is Full.” But that just makes things even creepier. Like, does he…. does he need to change his inbox? Since he filled it?
I’M MAKING A DIAPER JOKE.
This Soctopus Sock Monkey by blackbirdfashion is fairly awesome. It takes a whole new approach to giving your kids expensive stuffed animals they’ll discard at the bottom of their closets. This time, instead of it being a monkey, it’ll be an octopus!
But I do love this (even if it doesn’t have a beak). And if I had $25.00 that wasn’t going to my dentist bill, I’d totally buy this.
Help me to understand. Please.
This is extraordinarily amazing. I love it, but at the same time it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable in that Creepy Uncle Phenomenon. The artwork is just titled “Good Ol Abe” without a word or homage as to WHY HIS BODY IS A BIRD.
For only $14.00, this Abe Bird is sure to
destroy humanity entertain!
(he fucking ate it, didn’t he?)
Here is a one-of-a-kind dish towel that’s PERFECT for my Mother-in-law, and if I had to guess, I’d say it’s perfect for yours as well (my sympathy).
It’s great stitching and it looks like good fabric. It even goes to a good cause:
“5% of all earnings from my auctions will be donated to the EFA charity of the month. In addition, 100% of the earnings from one of my items will be donated each month to the EFA charity of the month.”
But I just had to post this one so I could make fun of Weenie Dogs.
God, they are annoying.
This item: “Skeleton Hands with neon purple nails” being sold by SistersOfTheMoon is really just… kind of awesome. I would never wear it personanlly (if only for the fact that I can’t pull off the fresh skeleton look). You can even use these for many different things: themed parties, goth-ish things, halloween, hair clips, tie clips, etc etc etc. I think these are great, especially for only being $6.00. That sure is a bargain for skeleton hands!
A popular trend on Etsy seems to be an obsession with Felt stitched things. Anything, everything, horrible things. I just don’t understand why there is such useless crap for sale here, as I mentioned earlier with the knitted bacon.
Here is an entire set of felt sushi. My extensive study and research have shown that everyone on Etsy loves the shit out of sushi; however, who the hell wants a NOT REAL placing of sushi? Give me the real thing, especially for $25.00.
Another lovely felt food item: The Happy Icecream Cone. I’ve noticed that most Felt items stitched are usually food or adorable smiley creatures. Congratulations, ThreeFive18, you have managed to combine the two. THANK GOD that this Plushy was marked down from $10.00 to $8.00. I wasn’t sure about purchasing a $10.00 6” icecream cone plush, but now that it’s $8.00, I might reconsider.
At least this next one has some sort of reason for it. A brooch! To put on my sweater! Of cats! Right? It’s got to be seriously old womanish.
No? IT’S A DINOSAUR BROOCH? Oh shit, I’m buying this.
Now we’ve come to another one of the many Useless As Shit items on Etsy. These are… balls… of.. . animals.. um? Sure, they are cute and cuddly and TINY AS HELL, but what good are they? I will lose these four minutes tops (in my massively empty dark soul).
And finally we come to the mother of all useless Felt items. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you: A Salad. *Gasp*
I have SO many questions! Is the bowl included? Is it made of felt? Can I eat this? Why the hell is this priced at $14.00 (with basically a $5.00 shipping cost)? Should I just go ahead and put twenty bucks in a bowl and stare at that on my coffee table all day?